jenpri

 The relations between a mother and daughter is supposed to be something that is precious and warm feeling and just pouring your heart to, without being judged or even stressed. It's like having a cat as a pet, they just absorb everything unsaid by you, and at the end makes your feel better.  But that isn't the case on this end. I enjoy talking to my mother, but I get extremely drained (not stressed) out after I have hung up. I wonder if it's something others have also felt, esp between a mother and daughter. (not referring to a son).  I see my community friends talking fondly to their moms, at least 3-4 times a day. I can't even imagine myself doing that, it's a BIG NO. I would go bonkers.  I see my good friends speaking so lovingly about the things they are buying for their mothers, but if I even buy anything for her, it's going to be said "oh I dont like this," "this should be like this", or "can you pls return and get me a size small...

 I love traveling, who doesn't. But not everyone enjoys traveling with dangerous and drastic events. (well not so drastic, I think I’m exaggerating).  So my ex-partner asked me to travel with her, and after coordinating with my daughter to come over from her city to be with my little pet, I decided to go on this trip with her. Didn't tell anyone, in fact I almost forgot about it, until the week arrived, and my daughter reminds me about it. She was looking fwd to coming back home and I got excited to just TRAVEL.  I haven't really TRAVELLED for a LONG TIME, well since Jan 2020.  So I took my mini bag with my stuffs in a carry on luggage and went to work with this. Left for the station by metro and arrived 1.5 hours before time. First thing for me, since I’m a foreigner, I thought I would need ticket and so I stood in the line to get my tickets printed out. Arrived at the counter and the lady is asking for a code, went aside to call my friend.  I gave her many man...

 Starting this article, rather abruptly. Nothing planned in my head, just having some thoughts pouring in and just had to spill it out. So I begin here by talking to whoever this might resonates, no specific person (though i have one specific person in MY MIND to whom I have directing this to-you know yourself). Last night I receive an insta post stating that about being an over-thinker, not liking any praises from anyone, saying that how one can be broken, and constantly apologizing. Firstly, when I read this post, I was like HUMM, is the writer putting oneself down, or looking for love from others, or doesn't know how precious they are to their own loved one. Having all these thoughts, I started thinking, HOLY COW, I’m also over thinking. YES, I’m also an over thinker, and thats why, I wake up first thing on Sunday morning, and penning this down at 7am. That's my wonderful SLEEP time, but my monkey mind had to have thoughts and had to pen it down. Does this make me a bad pers...

 So, here I am back in my city, called Ningbo. Nothing to do, except allow time to flow and show me what is next coming for me. Out of the blue, my daughter told me to get a pet. Since I had grown up with a pet, I said "why not". I always wanted a dog, so I began asking around in groups if there was anyone having puppies to give away.  To my utter surprise, someone approached me to care for a kitten. They had many to care for and were looking for anyone who would care for this small one. After some mind boggling confusion, we finally decided to go for it and get the small little one.  Before going, we were told to get somethings ready, such as cat bag, cat litter, cat food, cat bed. And here I was,  "I am getting cat and I have added more additional responsibility to myself". Anyways, I still went ahead to purchase them.  The day came to get the little one. We picked her up in a cat bag and took her directly to the vet to have her checked-medically if she was fi...

I just watched a film called Queen, its an Indian film, quite old, about 7-10 years old---- maybe.  Well, the point here that I’m trying to make is the feeling of being trapped and suddenly feeling free. That's what the film was showing, the heroine was feeling trapped, then she encounters the experiences of her life that suddenly changes her thoughts, her feelings and her inner desires.  She suddenly breaks off and feels free and free.  I AM also feeling free, but still feeling trapped. I too want to be free, free to make my own choices, free to choose what I want and where I want to go. Free to just life without feeling trapped in a visa, that is timed.  I could connect with the lady of the film, in the feeling of being free. I could connect with her inner being. I could connect with her heart's yearning of wanting to be free, of wanting to do what I want, of wanting to live where I want, and of wanting to work what job I want.  Right now, I don't know what jo...

 So I am back to home, which is based in China. Yes, I call this my home, coz I have been here for almost 20 years. And so it was for my hubby dear. And who knew that he would one day leave from his own motherland.  But I am diverting from my focus for this write up. I have come back, but my mind and soul doesn't anymore belong here. I am back to work, but my heart isn't. I am amongst my so-called Ningbo friends, but my heart isn't. What's wrong with me???? I want to say that I EVEN DON'T KNOW WHAT WRONG WITH ME. I will probably be here till my daughter completes her university, then what? I actually would like to travel, but where am I going to get the finance to allow me to travel. I don't want to work in this place anymore. I don't want to live here anymore. I want to work for myself now. One thing I have come to realize is that, I don't want pressure. The minute my system feels pressure, I begin itching, a sign of body inflammation.  I don't know...

 Gosh! Why is it so so hard for my mom in law to see some logical sense.  Ok, will begin from the beginning.  After anyone who passes away in this country, a death certificate is issued by the govt. This is an important certificate which is given to the banks and any other legal matters where the deceived's signatures were needed.  SO! We have been waiting for this certificate for over 15 days, and it was told to us that it will come next week. When and which day isn't given. Just next week is been told to us. Now me and daughter are here in this boring city with absolutely nothing to do. I had plans to visit the famous Golden Temple this week and she told me not to go, coz it will come this week. OK, i agreed. Now my daughter is planned on leaving soon, and i want to visit any nice resort just to have a feel of what a resort is in this city. Now she is telling me that i can't and that the certificate will come anytime i am away.  hey, we have been waiting for s...

Starting a new life all over again at the age of 52 is kind of daunting, but its something i have to do.  currently stuck at home in Chennai with mom in law, is relaxing but boring as well. I know people say I should mourn but for how long? Is mourning going to set me to my next part of my journey ? Is mourning going to bring me bread and butter? I don't believe we should stay in this state of mind for long and allow depression to take over our living condition. I have finally learnt what it means when people say, "Life must go ON", and thats exactly what I want as well.  Being bored at home is driving me and my daughter up the wall. If I was in my own place, I would have things to do and keep my mind occupied. Right now, I’m keeping myself occupied by watching movies online (I wouldn't have this time), writing this blog (to which I’m thankful for the time), studying my course (I wouldn't have had the time), relaxing and not cooking (I dislike cooking). WOW! so ma...

 Its been 1 week now for husband's demise. Yes, 1 week already! How do I feel? I don't know! I am not feeling happy nor do i feel sad. I knew his time was coming soon, but I was still waiting and hoping to see him, but I guess he didn't want us (both me and my daughter) to see him in the last stage of his illness. According to my neighbor, he wasn't doing so well. He had lost weight drastically, and was bones. He wasn't eating so well, had a lot of breathing problems and was depending on getting extra oxygen from the cylinder and the oxygen concentrator, wasn't having enough water, and was unable to speak and sit up for long. His cousin had recently passed away, and I guess when he heard that news, he couldn't take that blow. I know its cruel of me to say this, but he has been released from his painful state of physical body. He was in miserable pain and needed medications to numb the body pain.  His illness was progressing but slow while he was with me in C...

  We all love to be called by friends for a good party. If we aren’t called, then we feel left out and begin to feel sad for ourselves. Some like partying everyday and some like going out once a week ( that’s me ). But some like to go out even when they are ILL AND SICK. I mean, that’s a sign of desperation, isn’t it?? Just recently I went out with some friends, after a long time, to just relax and have a good time. And there I meet another friend who came, nice to see her, but she had the flu!!!! Another friend also had a serious flu and since she was a good friend, I requested her to get herself tested. Why?   Coz the next day we had to attend ANOTHER BIRTHDAY PARTY. And for this, the host had invited over 45 people to their home. And since COVID loves us, we have to take precaution. Hence, the request went out to this friend and she obliged and got herself tested and thank goodness she was negative. Just so you all know, my school is very strict about their teachers getting...

 Well, its been almost 2.5 months since I have left my husband in India with his mom and returned back to my city. Since March till now, husband hasn't done well, with so many factors affecting his health. Weather, people and a non-positive environment and most important, no self-motivation from within himself.  Now many people depend on their outside surrounding factors for their happiness, and unable to understand how to get and make happiness come from their inside self. This is something that can't be taught, it has to come from the person's mind/heart and self realization. The person should know themselves as in, who are they and what will really make them happy and what gives them happiness and what they feel inside them to be allowed to be guided.  Some folks have this inner intuition/self-understanding, but some don;t. And that is where folks not knowing themselves, will be unable to be aware of what makes them happy. They will look for happiness in their surround...

 I know I was supposed to finish up the event from the previous post, but it's too traumatic for me to think about the days that followed up after that dreadful day. I want to erase it out from my memory but i can't ; and have to live with it and accept it; then it becomes easier to live and accept. As i write this new post, it's been more than 2 weeks and lots have happened and not really happened. No dreadful incidences after that day, but no progress and only downfalls. Or maybe, i can say more progress in my inner self and no progress from hubby's point of view. I went online school due to to COVID spread in my country. One by one, all the teachers at my work place were sick and some were dreadfully SICK! My Chinese partner fell ill and she was quite bad. And as the days went by, news of this and that teacher falling sick was spreading. Its only natural that I panic. Coz precisely at that same time, my 2 helpful helpers also started getting their symptoms. Hubby tol...

 SO now we reside in our new apartment, 1st floor, 3 rooms, a big living room, and 2 toilets-with one being a bathroom as well. So now I thought, "all is going to be well", but I was proved wrong.  We were residing in this new place from October and during this time, hubby could still visit the therapy center with my helper- except on rainy days, which were not many. As the days went by, his outing became less as he found it very difficult to climb up. Then one dreadful day, he decided to to go out for lunch and when we returned, he had the worst of the worse fall in the middle of the 8 steps stairways. He couldn't stand, and had lost his power in his left leg and didn't have the energy to even stand. As he dropped, my helper was behind to prevent him from falling backwards and I immediately ran down to prevent him from falling on his face. From no where, 2 miraculous angels came to help us to carry him up to our apartment. It was dreadful, scary and so so traumatic f...

The mind can be traumatized in many ways- all depending on the person's situation and events for causing the traumas. For me, my mind started getting disturbed just by watching my husband's health deteriorate day by day and then month by month and later by his numerous falls.  It wasn't easy for me and harder for him.  We were living in an apartment that was on the 3rd floor, which had no elevator. It would take a toil on his legs to simply climb up after his visits to the doctors or for his physiotherapy sessions. He kept insisting that he was going to get worse and insisted on shifting homes.  Finally my vacation started and we began looking at different apartments. But first, I had to look for some good and caring maids; so that there would be someone to look after him once I resumed work. So home hunting and maid hunting were going on side by side.  We finally managed to get 2 caring maids who helped us alot. One of them helped to take husband to the therapy cent...

 Changes are good! Changes are meant to give you an experience out of your comfort zone. So changes are good. Well, that said, I have faced SO MANY changes that I am now confused if it was meant to happen to me or just changes that had to happen. I can't say if they are good or bad, in my case, just these changes have caused a drastic movement in my life. It all started with my husband's leg pain. We visited many doctors, coz that leg pain was giving him a lot of back pain. We got to speak to a few doctors, my sister being one of them. Later she got us connected to other doctors in the US. Husband's friend got him connected to one doctor in India. And so started our journey to the hospitals and calls made to many doctors. In the time being, we took the initiate to do some simple chair yoga, breathing exercise and the fire treatment, acupuncture, massaging, physiology-therapy.  We also found doctors in HK. Initially, we thought they could help but after 2-3 months of discuss...